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A Midsummer's Night
Sex Tragedy
By T. Evan Schaeffer
As the politicians push the snake oil of ''family values''
onto a gullible public, the Woody Allen-Mia Farrow custody
battle offers a break from their endless mumbo jumbo.
This week, with Allen's face decorating the covers of
both Time and Newsweek, family values New York-style will be
the big seller.
It's a story that is certain to entertain the masses.
Movie buffs will appreciate the chance to discover
something about not one, but two normally reclusive actors.
They can peruse the press for such interesting tidbits as the
fact that in all the years he knew her, Allen never slept in
Farrow's apartment. They will savor the chance to study candid photos of the
actors in happier times. Were they acting then? Are they
acting now?
For courtroom buffs, the spectacle offers yet another
opportunity to weigh the credibility of two seemingly honest
people, who both tell stories that are inherently
unbelievable. Sound
familiar? Courtroom buffs will also get the opportunity to
relish the undying chutzpah of Alan Dershowitz, who as
Farrow's attorney has been able to attach himself to yet
another celebrity brouhaha.
Corporate executives who have a secret taste for yellow
journalism, yet are bashful about revealing this weakness to
the supermarket checker as they purchase their Enquirer, now
have a more appropriate means of satisfying their interest in
the perverse. As the national newsweeklies cover the
Allen-Farrow scandal, these CEOs and chairmen of the board can
inconspicuously snatch the latest revealing details from that
little table in their corporate lobbies. Then it's back to
business as usual, office doors closed, feet on desks.
Still at the workplace, the advertising types will also
find the story of interest. Who would have thought that the
shy and humble Woody Allen would be caught up in such a mess?
Allen has instantly jettisoned the boring persona of his past
for something a hundred times more blatantly commercial. No
longer Woody Allen, harmless comic, representative everyman,
it's now Allen, bad boy of motion pictures, the Axl Rose of
arts and letters.
For the cynics, we have the spectacle of Allen cleverly
allowing the messy scandal to escalate just as he prepares to
open a new movie. After discussing the matter with fellow
cynics, they may dismiss the scandal as a stunt, but not
without the opportunity for some good conversation.
And the fashion-conscious will be able to study the
endless shots of Allen leaving his apartment dressed in what I
suppose must be the latest New York craze, the rumpled, dumpy
look. Where did he get that hat?
For all Midwesterners, the Allen-Farrow mess offers a grand
opportunity to ponder the mysteries of the East Coast. When
such messy scandals occur in our neck of the woods, we make
attempts to keep them to ourselves. In New York, one is
required to call a news conference.
And as the revealing stories then unfold during the
journalistic give and take, a viewer back in the Midwest can't
help but wonder at the lifestyles of these baffling New
Yorkers, who hail from the same region that has given us Leona
Helmsley, John Gotti and Donald Trump. How do they produce
such people-page All Stars month after month?
No matter what your angle, however, you have to agree that
the Allen-Farrow scandal is especially good news for two
unlikely fellows - that is, George Bush and Bill Clinton. With
such titillating terms as incest, abuse and nude photos being
bandied about daily, the story will certainly draw attention
from their own alleged moral failings.
Which leads to another interesting point. In light of the
Allen-Farrow scandal, one can hope that the politicians will
take the opportunity to dump their snake oil of family values.
As the scandal unfolds, we will be exorcised of our collective
guilt about the moral state of our nation. Compared to Allen
and Farrow, we are a nation of choirboys. So pat yourself on
the back. With next week's Time and Newsweek, we can move onto
the real issues that confront our country.
Thank
those crazy New Yorkers.
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