T'was the Night Before Christmas and . . . Uh-Oh, Here Come Some Litigious Lawyers

        By T. Evan Schaeffer

        There's astonishing news this December about Santa Claus. High-placed sources report that last month, Santa invited several of the nation's top law firms to meet with him at the North Pole. Apparently at wit's end, Santa told the assembled lawyers that he's facing a growing array of legal problems that may slow or even stop his yearly visits to American children. He then served the lawyers cocoa and asked if they could help.

          Although much of the story is still vague, the North Pole moved to quell some of the speculation last week when it took the unprecedented step of holding a news conference in Duluth. The details provided to reporters paint a sorry picture of the growing litigiousness of the American character, as well as the complications caused by the vast web of legal rules and regulations that characterize American society.  Santa's spokesman suggested that this Christmas, it might be wise to ponder what's gone wrong.

          He gave some troubling examples: To Christmas aficionados, both young and old, it's well known that Santa's reindeer, having been specially bred to fly long distances in the air, are the animal of choice for the difficult job of pulling Santa's sleigh. Nonetheless, it's now official that Santa is under investigation by American's own Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, which is exploring a complaint by an Alaskan dog breeder that the job should be opened up to other four-legged creatures. The new sleigh-pullers would include not only dogs with previous sled-pulling experience, but also moose, bear and even muskrats. Understandably, Santa is uncertain how to respond.

          In another development, Santa was informed by the Environmental Protection Agency that he faces fines and possible jail time for other legal transgressions. According to a letter he received by certified mail, Santa is in violation of the Clean Water Act every time the flying reindeer relieve themselves over an inland waterway. Although Santa protested to the EPA that he rarely flies over open water, the agency replied that it would "shut down the entire works" if he didn't institute an environmental compliance program within 90 days.

          Then, unbelievably, there are the lawsuits. Although Santa has always had to defend the occasional products liability action, a new legal theory is now finding its way into American courtrooms. Apparently goaded on by greedy parents, a number of children are suing because they weren't satisfied with what they got on previous Christmas mornings. According to one class-action petition, brought on behalf of all children living within the jurisdiction of New Jersey, Santa "failed to live up to the promise of the season" and "tortuously caused plaintiffs to experience headaches, stomach cramps and vomiting when, on Dec. 25, they didn't find all they asked for beneath the Christmas tree."

          Though legal experts have roundly condemned this "sour grapes tort" as meritless, judges everywhere are reluctant to dismiss the lawsuits until Congress acts first. Caught in the middle, Santa plans to make use of a video system that will record his dialogue with the children who sit on his lap. In addition, he'll ask obvious troublemakers and their parents to sign a release form. (Santa's spokesman told the journalists that he has abolished his longstanding practice of withholding presents to naughty children. "In this day and age," the spokesman said, "it's just too risky.")

          High-placed sources report that the lawyers who met with Santa were appalled by what they learned. The formerly jolly St. Nick complained that his insurance rates have quadrupled, and that he spend at least six weeks a year dealing with forms and other paperwork. "Nothing is simple anymore," he said. In one instance, a group of Louisiana cops, fearful of the rise in domestic terrorism, forced him to submit to a strip search before they would let him cross the border into the state. "Humiliating," Santa told the lawyers.

          When asked at the news conference whether it wasn't the lawyers themselves who were to blame for the country's problems, Santa's spokesman replied that his boss had considered, but then rejected, this possibility. "You Americans live in a democracy," the spokesman said. "You all share the blame equally. My advice is catch hold of the Christmas spirit and try to apply it all year long to your social interactions."

          Surprisingly, Santa is a big defender of lawyers these days. According to sources, he laughed with delight when one of the law firms visiting the North Pole told him how he could pay for the cost of legal representation. Here's the idea. Since he owns the rights to his own image, Santa can generate huge revenues by charging advertisers to use his likeness in their ads. By licensing his image, Santa will tap into a steady source of income that he can use to pay his legal counsel.

          "Santa loved the idea," his spokesman said. "He thinks it's very American."  

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